six months of nothing

what an awful 6 months for my "music career". this entire year i haven't released ANYTHING so far. and for 3 months before this 6 months i also havent released anything. it's been 9, almost 10 months since my last release. and it's not that i haven't been making music... i don't know. i don't know whats going on.

well i sorta do. after BDYHF i wasn't sure what to do next. making an album was always my main goal when i first started music in 2018. then when i finally did it, i was faced with a weird "what now" feeling. make another album? but the first one just came out and didn't really perform that well. well it performed well for my standards but still nobody knows who i am, so, nothing really changed. and then it wouldnt be as satisfying as the first time.

so after, i answered that question with "make something iconic." basically make hit songs. make music that can be played anywhere, enjoyed by anyone, for years and be timeless. not as directly personal as the stuff on BDYHF but still resonant with people. i wanted to be mainstream. i wanted to stake my own flag as an artist. but i handled it wrong. i started with the mainstream part instead of the soul and feeling part. i studied hit songs from several decades and analyzed what made them work. id make music trying to emulate those feelings. but that's not how any of the music that meant something to me was made.

and so making music started to feel like a job i was clocking into. when i open logic its like, welp time to get to work. and i dread it. and so i'd spend most of my free time laying in bed, watching TV or playing video games. because those were hobbies of mine, and since music dropped off as a hobby for me those ones took over..

i had started making music as a record executive, not as an artist, and that made music deeply unenjoyable for me. i'd see me losing followers, getting DMs about when th enext drop is and it put this burn in the back of my skull of HURRY UP AND GET TO WORK AND GET THE NEXT THING OUT. and it makes it not fun, it truly truly does.

so that's where ive been at this year. ive been watching my peers be successful and do stuff and i've been sitting around in this standstill. ive been making music, dont get me wrong but man, i really do need to release something soon. im going to release a little mixtape soon of a couple of songs and start shooting videos hopefully soon. i just dont have a wide lens for my camera. but everything else is pretty much ready. i need to be more creative again. but right now i, can't, it feels like. i need to enjoy music again